i think its like a lifelong thing i will just keep having to experience. even men who i consider friends, family will never see me as their equal. i just cant wrap my head around why it's so difficult for them it's not like we're cavemen, men and women do the same shit everyday. some of my friends have just been endlessly brainraped by these like gigachad alphamale influencers who were able to manipulate them into thinking like they live in the stone age. aaa man eat meat man claim woman man strong. just be normal bro. it fucking hurts knowing most of the men in my life think like this. it kind of makes me sick to my stomach when i look at them. why cant we just be normal im sick of having arguments about this and im sick of having to just tolerate it or i'll "make things awkward"
today the pain goes from my heart to my thigh im thinking of you
i am overwhelmed w feelings. this is so dumb i have nver felt so close to someone i have never trusted anyone this much, felt that every part of myself was wanted by someone, been desired this much. i hate that i cant do anything about it now. that its ending lik this i can feel him slowly slippinh away from me i can feel him slowly letting his grip go loose i can feel it and it makes me want to scream and throw up and i wish i could rewind the past few months over and over and over for the rest of my life. it feels like ill be sad and wish he was by my side forever. im sosad.
i really thought i was over this whole cycle of liking my friends for a couple months and then suddenly remembering their many flaws and times they were unfair to me and just absolutely hating them. i guess not. i dont really want to be around them at all. i can never really tell anymore if im justified or just being fucking insane bc its happened so many times where ill have a whole list of why theyre terrible people and time passes and it all seems arbitrary but i guess theyve been way too comfortable making jokes about a thing ive stated many time before as being a really sensitive topic for me and its kind of hard to ignore when i still struggle with it everyday and honestly theyre the last people on earth i wanna hear making those jokes. plus they always make more of an effort and go out of their way to spend time with other friends but will always be too lazy or "busy" to show up for stuff we planned and it feels annoying maintaining what feels like a onesided friendship like why tf should i care if they dont lol. i cant be picky when it comes to irl friends bc im a recluse weirdo but its not worth it if these are the kinds of friends i have. id rather just be friendless for all eternity rather than be around insensitive, boring NPC (cant wait to find out if this was just me being insane or if this was a real problem and i actually just stop being friends with them kek) ((update may 21, 2022: lol i was just being insane xd))
i turned 18 a few days ago!! i dont rly feel any different, not that i was expecting any drastic change in my mindset or whatevr, i have been really focusing on art these days both traditional and digital i feel motivated about improving my art skills and guitar playing. i asked my dad for a gaming computer for my birthday and i already have a list of the parts i need and where to buy them. it is very expensive i have never asked my dad for anything this expensive at once but a pc will last me for a long time and has many uses. i plan to use it for gaming, editing drawing and mayb!! streaming!!! i am very interested in streaming myself drawing and playing games it seems like it would b fun i talk 2 myself without an audience all the time anyways lole.. also i have a bou=yfriend o__o he is smart and interesting and he rambles a lot and shares music, art and videos he likes with me.. hes very awesome and he genuinely cares about my well-being and i love him a lot
th past few days have been quite fun.. i made a new friend and we talk a lot and we have a lot of similar interests :) a lot of weird things happened too but i forget abt it really easily so it doesnt matter, im trying to save up some money because i wanna redecorate my room, have a lot of posters nd rugs for my room also im gonna repaint the walls n have my grandpa put shelves up for me. cant do it rn though cause every1 is a bit busy. i hope days like this last a little longer
i have been using the hellhole app discord so much again. i am on a server for a youtuber and most of the people are there are so weird. when i dont have anything to do i join random voice channels and talk to people some of them r unfunny and rude but im used to it so it doesnt really bother me. i mostly just force poeple to play online chess with me.
again i will be alone during valentine's day. i dont want to regret anything so i am looking forward. i feel like not being in a relationship right now is gonna help me build confidence again when it comes to making friends that i just did not have for the past half year. during valentine's day i will be busy helping my mom and her friend arrange flower bouquets and i will get money for it so tht's something im looking forward to. :>
i haven't been doing much lately also havent set foot outside since last time and still not responding to messages. i prefer being alone and i needed it after trying to be more social for since the last few months. im exhausted and i didnt realize until i stopped for a while. ive been writiing something and i wanna finish it and also watching so much anime again. today i finished both wotakoi and also rascal does not dream of bunny girl senpai. im feeling ok i think
i drank today with my friends, not that much because i felt terrible after a few drinks and made myself throw up just to feel a little better but they kept drinking which i didn't mind and we were having a pretty good time just talking and joking around until m went home and one of my friends started acting really weird. , the other time was when she came over to my house when i was drinking alone and she drank some of my mom's alcohol for bartending classes and pretended to be wasted after literally one sip and she thought she had me fooled just because i was a little loopy but she is wrong. i am staying indoors and ignoring everybody
i watched hunterxhunter until 4am and just as i was about to sleep my friends were talking about how we should meet up at the beach that instant so i got changed and waited for m outside my house. i would have said no but he has not been able to leave his house for a while because his aunt is really strict about leaving the house. we went and sat on the sand and talked and i tried watercolor painting the sunrise but failed miserably. i came home around 7am and slept in my moms bed until 6pm and then finished first season of classroom of the elite.
my allergies were extremely bad today because i spent most of it digging through drawers and closets... i was initially looking for a charger for my old camera but looking thru the box of stray wires lead to finding my brother's old psp, which lead to finding my dad's bag full of song album and movie dvds. there were weezer songs in there which people consider "incel music" i like weezer though, anyways i listen to nxp which is the pinnacle of incel music haha. i tried to avoid looking at the cards my mom sent my dad while he was working because they make me sad. speaking of sad i buried my hamster prinkles in the backyard today.. i didnt cry because i think she had a happy little hamster life also my brother is very sick and he puked all over the floor. since the hamster died our house helper asked if she could borrow the hamster wheel but often times borrow actually means have and i am a person who struggles to say n-o.
i need 2 talk so bad. im not in the mood to work on neocities so im writing this on the notes app and i’ll copy paste it in the morning.. i feel so out of place, i don’t feel like i belong anywhere here. i have good friends but deep down i know that theynever really understand what im saying. we have drastically different interests and ways of thinking. i always regret talking aftrwards because in my head they probably talk about me when im not around talking about how weird i am and how i make them uncomfortable. i will always be cursed with being so out of place no matter where i am.
